Some are hard to believe, but our fact-checkers confirmed they are 100% true
Kamala Harris has been warned. If her new book about the 2024 election mentions Joe Biden’s cognitive decline—an obvious reality she claims not to have noticed—or tries to blame him for her loss to Donald Trump, factions loyal to the (nominal) former president and his notoriously vindictive wife, Dr. Jill Biden, will retaliate with overwhelming force.
Journalist Mark Halperin revealed on Friday that Biden’s team is wary of what Harris plans to say in her upcoming book, 107 Days, and is prepared to unleash some “Palinesque stories about how much they tried to help her be prepared to be vice president and be in a position to run, and how much they decided, ‘Not happening. She’s not up to this.'” If the sentient individuals close to Joe Biden “feel threatened” by Harris’s revelations, the situation “is gonna escalate in a big way,” Halperin said. “And she will have a hard time defending against the stories if that dam bursts.”
We reached out to Joe Biden on his cell phone to see if he would give us a preview of some of the stories that might get leaked if Harris steps out of line. He called us back a few minutes later, and after ranting extensively about “the new doctor at the old folks resort and the colored assistant who watches me use the commode,” the former president spilled the beans. Here are nine amazing stories about Kamala Harris that sound unbelievable, but are 100 percent true according to our fact-checkers.
1) We already know that Harris once held a “mock soiree” to practice mingling authentically before a fancy dinner party in 2022. What hasn’t yet been reported is that Harris’s staff panicked after learning that a pair of freakishly diminutive Democrats—former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg and former labor secretary Robert Reich—were on the guest list. Harris eventually signed off on their decision to hire a troupe of circus dwarves to take part in the rehearsal.
2) On more than one occasion, Secret Service agents found Harris passed out at the Resolute Desk after breaking into the Oval Office with a case of chardonnay she pilfered from the White House commissary. She would often bring members of her staff and force them to pose as cabinet members while she pretended to “invade Yugoslavia.” Acting president Jill Biden had to diffuse a diplomatic crisis after Harris snuck into the Situation Room to watch Kung Fu Panda 4 before calling the Chinese ambassador to complain about the lack of diversity.
3) Harris reportedly reached out to a Hollywood prop department to commission a replica McDonald’s uniform from 1983, the year she claims (without evidence) to have worked at the fast-food chain for “two or three weeks.” After spending roughly $400,000 in taxpayer money to acquire the garment and have it professionally aged, Harris was talked out of unveiling it at a campaign rally. She eventually changed her mind, but it was too late. Tim Walz had ruined the shirt by using it to “rectify an emergency bathroom incident” at a 7-Eleven.
4) It’s already been reported that Harris, before she became the nominee, proposed showcasing Biden’s accomplishments at the Democratic National Convention with “an original song by Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda.” That wasn’t her only suggestion. We hear that Harris also wanted Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion to perform a modified version of their hit song “WAP” to convey the party’s support for “Workers and Progress” while Lizzo and the style-savvy journalist Eugene Daniels twerked next to an oversized copy of “Project 2025.” She noted that her alternative stepdaughter, Ella Emhoff, would be more than willing to make out with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney to “spice things up.”
5) Harris tried to cancel her infamous interview with NBC’s Lester Holt in June 2021—when she repeatedly lied about visiting the southern border—because she feared her “emotional landscape” would be disrupted due to the “hostile sky” created by the impending solar eclipse, as well as the moon’s passing from Taurus to Gemini. NBC also threatened to cancel the interview after Harris’s husband, Doug Emhoff, was overheard bragging about the time he “motorboated” Hoda Kotb during his first marriage.
6) The VP cornered Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg during a drunken rampage at a holiday party and pitched her idea to “inject more love” into government services by requiring TSA agents to offer hugs or body-positive compliments to travelers before security screenings. “The people need to be reminded of their power,” she reportedly slurred.
7) We already know that Biden aides “privately mocked” Harris after she proposed that she be tasked with “overseeing relations with the Nordic countries,” but that wasn’t even her dumbest idea. She also volunteered to serve as “award show ambassador” and asked to be put in charge of reviewing the playlists at White House functions to ensure the equitable representation of female and non-binary musical artists.
8) In late 2021, Harris launched a task force to help her appear more normal by adopting a pet. “Operation Wholesome Household” eventually narrowed down the candidates to several female cats, and proposed naming it “Ruth Bader Gins-Purr” or “Meowdam Vice President.” Harris agonized over the decision for weeks before disbanding the task force and impulsively buying a “Klutzy Kitty” wine bottle holder on Amazon for $31.95.
9) Aides had to talk Harris out of filming a Beyoncé-themed TikTok video in Arlington National Cemetery to celebrate Memorial Day using the hashtag #SlayForTheSlain.
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