Rest in power, neocon king
Dick Cheney, the widely beloved wartime vice president, oil executive, and outdoor sports enthusiast, entered the kingdom of heaven on Monday to avoid watching New York City be overtaken by a trust fund communist who loves terrorism. He was one year and nine months older than Joe Biden.
Cheney was best known for his world-historic bromance with George W. Bush. The iconic duo will be remembered as one of the most successful partnerships since Michael Jordan (Cheney) and Scottie Pippen (Bush). Their steady leadership in the aftermath of the Sept. 11 terror attacks helped Americans heal our trauma by rekindling our passion for killing terrorists and other enemies of freedom. They launched a series of successful wars and pioneered enhanced interrogation techniques that led to the death of Osama bin Laden. They protected the homeland through military strength abroad while cruising to reelection in 2004, forestalling the disastrous consequences of a John Kerry presidency. Cheney helped seal the victory by humiliating John Edwards on live television.
A proud Wyoming native, Cheney demonstrated his advanced intellect and sublime patriotism at an early age by dropping out of Yale University to avoid being brainwashed by communists. He overcame two DWI arrests and the Vietnam War to become the youngest White House chief of staff in history at age 34. He survived five heart attacks that would have felled men of weaker conviction and became one of the first ever recipients of a fully implanted mechanical heart pump. He perfected the neoconservative worldview, just as Clausewitz perfected the science of war.
Cheney was an avid outdoorsman and one of the only men in history with enough swagger to look cool in a cowboy hat. Former Weekly Standard columnist Matt Labash praised Cheney as “a fine fisherman, a gentleman, a master smack-talker, and a guy who wasn’t bothered by what people think of him.” He was also a seasoned hunter. In 2006, he “accidentally” shot a man in the face who probably deserved it. The wounded man, whose name no one will remember, apologized to Cheney for the inconvenience.
One of Cheney’s most memorable acts as vice president came in 2004, when he advised Sen. Patrick Leahy (D., Vt.), the obnoxious anti-war liberal, to go f— himself. Leahy, like a total bitch, said he was “shocked to hear that kind of language” on the Senate floor. Cheney would later recall the confrontation as “the best thing I ever did.”
As with all heroic wartime leaders, Cheney’s greatness was accentuated by the depravity of his staunchest enemies. “He should have died in The Hague,” wrote Mehdi Hasan, the former MSNBC host who was fired for anti-Semitism. Eman Abdelhadi, an assistant professor at the University of Chicago who was recently arrested for assaulting an ICE agent, concurred. “Rest in hell Dick Cheney,” she huffed on Bluesky, the social media app for mentally ill liberals. “Your legacy is death.” Hasan Piker, the pro-terrorist influencer best known for abusing his dog, said Cheney was “one of the most evil people to exist in modern history.”
In reality, Cheney kept America safe and continued to do so long after leaving office. He helped crush Hillary Clinton’s lifelong dream by endorsing Donald Trump in 2016. While promoting freedom at home and abroad, Cheney became a pop culture icon thanks to Christian Bale’s award-winning portrayal in the 2018 film Vice. That same year, he triumphantly autographed a “waterboard kit” presented by disgraced cosplay artist Sacha Baron Cohen, an act of deadpan brilliance that earned him a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year award.
In one of his final acts of defiance against America’s enemies, Cheney weaponized his waning popularity by endorsing Kamala Harris in 2024. The savvy move helped propel Trump to victory again in 2024. Five months after taking office, Trump “pulled a Cheney” by bombing Iran into submission.
“Dick Cheney was a great man, a champion of freedom, and the nemesis of dictators and terrorists,” the Free Beacon‘s Alana Goodman correctly observed. “His leadership made the world safer and freer.”
Indeed. The world trembled before the commanding presence of “America’s Dick,” as he was affectionately known by some. The world mourns in his absence—a gaping hole that may never be filled.
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