Historians may quibble over the sequencing, but no serious person can deny that Donald Trump will be remembered—alongside George Washington and Abraham Lincoln—as one of America’s greatest presidents. Some might argue it’s too early to start naming things after Trump while he’s still alive and in office, but those people are fools.
There has never been a more appropriate time to honor Trump’s achievements. We should start by renaming the month of January in his honor. Because if we are evaluating presidents based on what they’ve managed to accomplish in the first month of the year, Trump clearly surpasses all others—it’s not even close. He owns the month of January as decisively as he has owned Rand Paul since calling him an ugly freak who didn’t belong on the debate stage in September 2015.
Just take a look at Trump’s résumé for the month of January. And don’t act like you’re not impressed. “Donuary,” “Trumpuary,” or just “Trump.” Let’s make it happen, folks.
January 2016 (pre-election)
Trump was already destined to become president, we just didn’t know it yet. He absolutely dominated the GOP primary competition at the Fox Business debate in South Carolina. He specifically challenged the credibility of Ted Cruz, laying the groundwork for the “Lyin’ Ted” nickname—one of the all-time greats.
January 2017
Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States as his disgraced opponent, Hillary Clinton, looked on. It must have been so humiliating for her, which is why most normal Americans—including the record-breaking crowd that turned out for the inauguration—were so thrilled. Days later, Trump signed an executive order directing the construction of a big, beautiful border wall.
January 2018
Trump delivered his first State of the Union Address, one of the best speeches ever delivered on Capitol Hill. He expressed support for the people of Iran and their “courageous struggle for freedom” against a “corrupt dictatorship,” and forecast his intent to tear up the “terrible Iran nuclear deal.” He touted the “tough sanctions” his administration had imposed on the “communist dictatorships” in Cuba and Venezuela.
Earlier that month, Trump took aim at fatass nepo baby Kim Jong Un in one of the greatest presidential tweets ever posted: “North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the ‘Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.’ Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his and my Button works!”
January 2019
As he so often does, Trump weighed in on the right side of history by defending the Covington Catholic high school students who were viciously smeared by media outlets following a viral confrontation at the Lincoln Memorial. He said the incident was a prime example of “Fake News and how evil it can be.” Nick Sandmann, the student at the center of the controversy, would go on to negotiate lucrative settlements with CNN, NBCUniversal, and the Washington Post after suing for defamation.
Trump escalated his efforts to liberate Venezuelans from the tyranny of Nicolás Maduro by formally recognizing opposition leader Juan Guaidó as the interim president of Venezuela. Maduro should have fled to Russia when he had the chance.
January 2020
In a daring display of military dominance, Trump ordered a “flawless precision strike” that eviscerated the body of Iranian terror boss Qassem Soleimani. The Quds Force commander was identified by the special ring he wore on his severed hand. “Under my leadership, America’s policy is unambiguous,” Trump said. “To terrorists who harm or intend to harm any American, we will find you; we will eliminate you.”
The Iranian regime vowed to exact “severe revenge” on the United States. They ended up launching a few measly missiles at an American base in Iraq. “Operation Martyr Soleimani” was a total flop. Later that day, Prince Harry and his obnoxious wife Meghan Markle announced their plans to withdraw from full-time service in the royal family.
January 2021
Trump gave the keynote address at one of the largest political rallies in American history. Deep-state agitators whipped the massive crowd into a frenzy and led them on an enthusiastic tour of the U.S. Capitol, but Trump used his platform to instruct the patriotic demonstrators to “remain peaceful” and “go home.”
January 2022, 2023, and 2024 (out of office despite winning reelection)
Married to Melania.
January 2025
Trump was sworn in for a second time after orchestrating the most successful political comeback in American history. He quickly signed an array of executive orders to restore American greatness by ending wokeness, unleashing American energy, and withdrawing from the corrupt World Health Organization. That same month, two of the most obnoxious journalists in the history of the English language—Jennifer Rubin of the Washington Post and Jim Acosta of CNN—resigned in disgrace and were never heard from again.
January 2026
What else is there to say? We’re barely a week in and Trump has already taken out Maduro. Tim Walz quit his reelection campaign like a prancing little bitch. Ayatollah Khamenei is cowering in a bunker and making plans to flee to Russia. Iranian protesters renamed a street in Tehran after Trump.
Greenland is ours for the taking.
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