Prestige media is a cutthroat business, and we won’t get left behind
The New York Times seems especially pleased with itself these days. In a brazen display of self-regard, the paper has reportedly started yet another awards program for its own employees. Earlier this week, the Times announced the finalists for the “inaugural Ochs awards,” named for the paper’s original owner, Adolph Ochs. Winners will be revealed next week for all 25 categories, including Best Scoop, Writer of the Year, plus the coveted Behind the Scenes Award. The Ochs awards are merely the latest form of internal recognition for Times employees, who are also encouraged to compete for Publisher’s Awards and Trifecta plaques. Fun!
There are few things journalists enjoy more than congratulating themselves for doing their jobs. Honestly, it’s revolting. At the same time, the Washington Free Beacon refuses to be outdone by our closest competitor. Prestige media is a cutthroat business—just ask the (many) former employees of the Washington Post. Successful publications are frequently required to mimic the practices of their competitors to avoid getting left behind. So be it.
That is why the Free Beacon is pleased to announce the launch of the inaugural Gen. Curtis E. LeMay, aka “Old Iron Pants,” aka “The Big Cigar” Awards for Warmongering Excellence in NeoCon Journalism. Though many would not consider LeMay a journalist in the conventional sense of the word, his tireless commitment to low-altitude incendiary bombing and other “controversial” tactics epitomizes the Free Beacon‘s remorseless, victory-at-all-costs approach to crushing our enemies with overwhelming truth. LeMay once berated a cowardly soldier for putting down his weapon to eat a ham sandwich while guarding a hangar. That is precisely the attitude our journalists must bring to guarding democracy from left-wing terrorism and other bullshit.
Because the Free Beacon is often one step ahead of the Times when it comes to journalistic innovation, we initially planned to start giving out LeMay awards back in 2019, but our Select Committee on Strategic Escalation repeatedly vetoed the idea based on its determination that none of our employees were truly worthy of the honor. Alas, the introduction of the Ochs awards has forced our hand. The 2025 LeMay awards will be administered at a secure underground location, which rules out the Free Beacon headquarters—located many, many floors above the Politico newsroom. Nominees will soon be announced in several dozen categories, including:
— The Eliana Johnson Award for Best Supreme Leader of the Free Beacon
— The Biff Diddle Award for Most Attractive Wife or Spouse
— The Adam Kredo Award for Best Reporting While Drunk
— The Jose Rodriguez ‘Big Boy Pants’ Award for Exposing the Truth By Any Means Necessary
— The Ralph ‘Coonman’ Northam Award for Perseverance in the ‘Face’ of Adversity
— The Claudine Gay Award for Best Original Writing
— The Senator Tom Cotton ‘Send In the Troops’ Award for Op-Ed Violence
— The Jake Tapper Award for Best Belated Scoop
— The ‘Pounce and Seize’ Award for Fakest Outrage
— The Bari Weiss ‘Broad Perspectives’ Award for Inclusive Excellence
— The Hunter Biden ‘Big Guy’ Award for Longest Paragraph
— The Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ‘Open Mouth’ Award for Excellence in Lyrical Prose
— The Olivia Nuzzi Award for Intrepid Source Cultivation
— The Hassan Nasrallah Memorial Award for Blowing Up a Source’s Phone
— The Katie Porter ‘Steaming Spuds’ Award for Most Combative Interview
— The Richard M. Cheney Memorial Award for Most Persuasive Interview Technique
— The Belichick-Hudson Patriot Award for Best Partnership
— The Taylor Lorenz ‘Living Relic’ Award for Ageless Endurance
— The Congresswoman Ilhan Omar ‘Family First’ Award for Devoted Kinship
— The Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke Award for Sweatiest Weirdo
— The Kamala D. Harris ‘Unburdened’ Award for Meritless Confidence
— The Hillary R. Clinton Award for Lifetime Achievement in Shattered Dreams
— The Jeff Bezos Award for Managerial Prowess
— The Anthony Weiner Award for Best Social Media Post
— The Alex Soros Award for Best Selfie
— The Sonny Bunch Memorial Award for Best Facial Hair
— The Roger Stone Award for Best Richard Nixon Tattoo
Congrats in advance to the deserving nominees. Stay tuned!
Read the full article here
