Justin Verlander’s body of work will never be topped
Kate Upton’s husband enjoyed a storybook ending to his Hall of Fame baseball career on Saturday. Justin Verlander, 43, sobbed like a champion as his seven-year-old daughter rushed to greet him on the mound at Comerica Park in Detroit. Upton beamed with pride by the dugout, holding their one-year-old son. The family embraced. The crowd went wild.
Now, some will say it’s way too early for the “Man of the Century” conversation. And technically, they’re right. A lot could happen in 74 years. But do we actually think that any man—born or unborn—will ever assemble a more compelling body of work than Verlander, the undisputed champion of the first quarter-century?
Unlikely.
Hunter Biden had a good run, but it’s increasingly clear that drugs—not natural ability—were the key to his success. Elon Musk? Too weird and annoying. Historians and other nerds will say Barack Obama is the man to beat. They’ll cite his marriage to Michelle as a point in his favor. Guy Fieri has a stronger case.
Kate Upton’s husband is that dude. This is what a winning resume looks like:
2001: Turns 18 one month after Greatest Living President George W. Bush takes office.
2002–2003: Sets multiple school records at Old Dominion University. Named Colonial Athletic Association Rookie of the Year.
2004–2010: Drafted second overall by the Detroit Tigers. Makes MLB debut on the Fourth of July. Wins American League Rookie of the Year, leads Detroit to World Series appearances since 1984. Throws first career no-hitter, selected to first MLB All-Star Game. Signs five-year, $80 million contract extension.
2011: Future wife Kate Upton makes stunning debut in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Wins first Cy Young Award, named American League MVP.
2012–2013: Meets future wife Kate Upton on the set of a video game commercial. Starts dating Kate Upton, who becomes the first model in 16 years to land back-to-back SI Swimsuit Issue covers. Becomes the highest-paid pitcher in MLB history after signing a five-year, $140 million contract extension.
2014–2016: Continues to date Kate Upton. Survives the “Fappening” and the final years of Obama’s presidency.
2017: Marries Kate Upton in Tuscany after she appeared on her third SI Swimsuit cover. Wins World Series with the Houston Astros.
2018–2019: Welcomes daughter Genevieve with wife Kate Upton, who is named world’s hottest woman by Maxim magazine. Records 200th career win, 3,000th career strikeout, and wins second Cy Young Award.
2020–2021: Survives global pandemic unleashed by China. Still married to Kate Upton.
2022–2023: Wins second World Series with Houston, third Cy Young Award, Comeback Player of the Year. Survives brief tenure with New York Mets.
2024: Celebrates wife Kate Upton’s long-awaited return to the SI Swimsuit Issue cover.
2025: Welcomes son Bellamy with wife Kate Upton.
2026: Returns to Detroit, hugs Kate Upton after pitching the final game of his Hall of Fame career.
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