Student paper conquers satire with ‘stolen land’ sex apology
Higher-ed haters (of which, sadly, there are many) would have you believe our elite universities are overrun with self-serious scolds. That students and faculty alike inhabit a cloistered fantasy world, consumed by radical ideologies that preclude them from recognizing how absurd they seem to normal people.
An intrepid band of student jokesters at Columbia University would beg to differ. The Columbia Federalist, which bills itself as “the campus satirical newspaper,” recently published a masterpiece of self-deprecating humor. Earlier this week, they posted a lengthy note on the paper’s Instagram account taking “full accountability” for the “harm” caused by a recent article about a boyfriend who says land acknowledgments before having sex.
The fake apology was a devastating sendup of the ritualized groveling endemic to elite campus culture. Yes, of course it was fake. It has to be. The text is patently absurd. It could easily be mistaken for an earnest apology for trivializing genocide or whatever. That’s the joke. Right? It’s a satirical publication. They must have some dignity.
“It was brought to our attention that a recent article published on our Social Media and Website titled ‘I Lived It: Before We Had Sex, My Boyfriend Said a Land Acknowledgement’ upset many members of the Columbia community and handled a very sensitive topic rashly and irresponsibly: the important recognition of the native land that Columbia University and much of our country sit on,” the satirists joked.
“We deeply apologize for any harm that this article caused, and we are taking this moment to refine our humor guidelines to ensure that our mission of satire does not hurt communities and voices that should be uplifted,” the hilarious note continued. “In a moment like the one we are currently living in on a campus like ours, political satire is more important than ever, and we would like to reaffirm our commitment to uplifting marginalized voices in this endeavor.”
The student comedians went on to define satire as “punch up humor … that takes aim at people and systems in positions of power.” A deliciously ironic touch, given the extent to which woke weirdos who love land acknowledgment have occupied positions of power in recent years, if not decades. They apologized again for having “failed in this mission,” and begged the forgiveness of anyone the article’s publication “may have offended or caused harm.”
The Federalist went to elaborate lengths to sell the joke. For example, they published a genuine article days earlier before deleting it, though snippets of text remain embedded in the URL. “My boyfriend is an Under1Roof facilitator and I’m not sure I like it,” the opening sentence reads. For those unfamiliar, Under1Roof is Columbia’s mandatory diversity and inclusion program for undergraduates. An inspired choice of target for student satire. The article’s byline belonged to an actual student at Columbia, identified on her Instagram page as a “Fed celebrity.”
They even went so far as to plant comments on Instagram and Reddit suggesting the article was legit, and not an intricate ruse to tee up the apology. “If I remember the post correctly, it was a joke that a white man had made a land acknowledgement before having sex,” wrote Reddit user EgglordMcEggFace on the r/columbia subreddit. In the Instagram comments, which have since been scrubbed, some users complained that the apology was insufficient given the gravity of the offense—another brilliant layer of absurdity.
Not surprisingly, some right-wing commentators fell for it—hook, line, and sinker. Their biases prevented them from accepting the fact that Columbia students are capable of self-parody, when in fact they are comedic geniuses.
The alternative is too discouraging to contemplate. So we won’t.
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