Eliana Johnson threatens the personal safety of her employees
Dearest Colleagues:
I regret to inform you that recent actions taken by your editor in chief, Eliana Johnson, have tainted the moral integrity of this institution and jeopardized the personal safety of its employees. I hereby implore all members of the Washington Free Beacon staff to face this moment with moral clarity and professional courage by tendering your resignations at once.
I mean it. Overboard, ye feckless rats. This is not a drill.
Allow me to explain the cause compelling this robustly worded appeal for separation. It has come to my attention that Mx. Johnson’s name was included on a list of “powerful women in Washington” recently published in the Washingtonian, a left-wing rag for swamp-dwelling elites and other enemies of freedom. I very nearly befouled my trousers upon discovering the squad of noxious broads listed alongside Mx. Johnson in the “media” section, which could easily be refashioned as a list of “drunk libs who hate America.”
—Katherine Maher, President and CEO, NPR
—Paula Kerger, President and CEO, PBS
—Kaitlan Collins, Chief White House Correspondent, CNN
—Dana Bash, Anchor, CNN
—Virginia Moseley, Executive Editor, CNN
—Margaret Brennan, Host, CBS News
—Norah O’Donnell, Senior Correspondent, CBS News
—Adrienne LaFrance, Executive Editor, The Atlantic
—Sarah Longwell, Publisher, The Bulwark
—Anna Johnson, Washington Bureau Chief, Associated Press
—Jane Mayer, Chief Washington Correspondent, The New Yorker
—Susan Glasser, Staff Writer, The New Yorker
—Kristen Welker, Host, NBC News
—Kelly O’Donnell, Political Reporter, NBC News
—Martha Raddatz, Co-Anchor, This Week With George Stephanopoulos, ABC News
—Kara Swisher, Female Tech-Bro Podcaster
—Matea Gold, Washington Editor, New York Times
—Dasha Burns, White House Bureau Chief, Politico
—Eliana Johnson, Editor in Chief, Washington Free Beacon
Names synonymous with corruption, radicalism, deceit, and menopausal rage. Nearly half of them could be tried and convicted of FULL TREASON for their shameless treatment of America’s most persecuted president, Donald J. Trump. That Mx. Johnson would agree to be counted among this ignoble roster of airheads and grievance mongers cannot be dismissed as a petty embarrassment. It is a profound rupture of trust that will never be repaired.
We can only assume the worst—that Mx. Johnson’s thirst for mainstream recognition was the driving force behind this travesty. The smoke-filled room, the knowing handshake, the glint in her eye as she agrees to betray the Free Beacon‘s eternal values of freedom, war, and neocon justice in exchange for some cocktail party invites and a single paragraph of muted praise. Not merely a paragraph, of course, but a call to violence—a target on the backs of Free Beacon staffers who have literally risked their lives in the service of combat journalism.
This was not an easy call to make. The Washingtonian did see fit to honor some of my personal female heroes in the “politics” portion of its online listicle: Susie Wiles, Linda McMahon, Elise Stefanik, Usha Vance, and Melania Trump. That’s all well and good. But I’m not sure the Free Beacon editor deserves to share space with these powerful and seductive women, especially in light of what I consider to be the watered-down, vacillating nature of our recent coverage on Israel and higher education.
I had to take a mental health break while writing this to make sure I wasn’t being overly emotional—like a woman—in response to the news of Jane Goodall’s death. She was a remarkable woman. We dated briefly just prior to her divorce from Hugo van Lawick in 1974. She schooled me in the art of physical connection, and tamed me like one of her chimps. Alas, we lost touch. But I’ll never forget her tenacious libido.
Upon reflection, I am definitely not overreacting. True patriots are often called upon to take bold action to defend the values that make America exceptional, and to reject all association with her enemies. Now is one of those times.
Resign.
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