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Ashley Tisdale French gave up mom groups after feeling isolated by the “mean girls” in a community she initially sought out.
In the “Breaking Up With My Toxic Mom Group” op-ed shared on The Cut, the actress ruminated over what she believed was finding her “village” with the women, but instead felt thrown “back in high school.”
The “High School Musical” star, who has daughters Jupiter, four, and Emerson, 15 months, with husband Christopher French, initially “felt lucky” to find the group after missing out on normal pre-baby activities due to the pandemic.
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“After the birth of my first daughter, I was craving connection with other mothers,” she wrote. “I needed someone to talk to about which diaper bag to buy, whether a Snoo is worth it, and how you can possibly get anything done if you’re supposed to ‘sleep while the baby is sleeping.’”
Tisdale’s innocent efforts to connect with other, like-minded mothers became a challenge though. At one point, the actress became hyper-focused on social media posts after feeling detached from the group.
“I remember being left out of a couple of group hangs, and I knew about them because Instagram made sure it fed me every single photo and Instagram Story,” she wrote.
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“Another time, at one of the mom’s dinner parties, I realized where I sat with her — which was at the end of the table, far from the rest of the women. I was starting to feel frozen out of the group, noticing every way that they seemed to exclude me.”
She added, “When everyone else attended a birthday dinner together, I was met with excuses as to why I hadn’t been invited. I still don’t get why I wasn’t at the girl hang that they all planned at my daughter’s birthday.”
After putting her daughter to bed one night, she was overwhelmed with a feeling of being left behind and wondered if she was “not cool enough” for the other mothers.
“All of a sudden, I was in high school again, feeling totally lost as to what I was doing ‘wrong’ to be left out,” she wrote.
Tisdale refused to stay silent, and texted the group after being left behind on another plan.
She remembered sending the message, “This is too high school for me and I don’t want to take part in it anymore,” which didn’t go over well with the mothers.
“Some of the others tried to smooth things over,” she recalled. “One sent flowers, then ignored me when I thanked her for them. Another tried to convince me that everyone assumed I’d been invited to gatherings and just hadn’t shown up.”
Tisdale wondered if leaving the group silently would have been a better choice, but felt pride knowing she had spoken her mind.
“Motherhood has enough challenges without having to wonder if the people around you are on your side,” she added. “You deserve to go through motherhood with people who actually, you know, like you. And if you have to wonder if they do, here’s the hard-earned lesson I hope you’ll take to heart: It’s not the right group for you. Even if it looks like they’re having the best time on Instagram.”
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