And by the way, Kamala had nothing to do with it. She’s a moron who could never be president.
Folks, I can’t tell you how grateful and relieved I am that this day has come. Thanks to my administration’s efforts—and my own ambitious leadership—peace has finally been restored to the Middle East. The hostages have been returned. More importantly, we have temporarily halted the destruction of Hamas, which many passionate Democrats regard as a moral imperative.
Earlier this week, I traveled on Air Force One to Jerusalem to fence some diamonds for Hunter. I also addressed the Israeli Knesset, where I was reminded of something my former press aide Andrew Bates once said: “To answer the question on everyone’s minds: No, Joe Biden does not have a doctorate in foreign affairs. He’s just that fucking good.” Andrew is one of the most intelligent and loyal public servants I have ever known, which is why I was honored to nominate him for Treasury Secretary after my so-called friends in the U.S. Senate refused to confirm my kid brother James.
Don’t worry, you can thank me later. My diplomatic talents notwithstanding, solving the Gaza conflict wasn’t easy. We toiled for years without results, but it finally paid off earlier this year, around the time of my second inauguration. Everything just started to click. We solved inflation and the border crisis without batting an eye, then we turned our sights on the Middle East. The usual suspects didn’t think I could pull it off, especially since I’ve been working so hard on other important issues such as climate justice, health care for transgender youth, and amnesty for violent criminals. Joe Scarborough thought I was washed up, tried to give me the name of Mika’s Botox guy. Ian Sams—my own White House press secretary—still won’t let me poop in private. But I persevered.
This was truly a bipartisan accomplishment. I would like to thank former president Donald Trump and his team for streamlining the negotiations with our Arab partners. Barack Obama had absolutely nothing to do with this peace deal. What a bum. He must be pissing himself with jealousy right now. I got the peace deal, the transformative legacy, the hotter wife. He’s got an ugly half-finished library in Chicago, and a buttload of regret for ghosting me in 2016 and begging me to step down in 2024. Who’s laughing now, Hussein?
Another person who had absolutely no role in this process was Kamala Harris. The vice president demanded a seat at the table, but I told her and her buddy Jake Tapper to take a long hike off the Gaza pier. I’ve met some real idiots in my life—Justin Trudeau, Eva Longoria, Karine Jean-Pierre, Ted Kennedy’s seventh mistress, my daughter Ashley. None of them compares to Kamala, who wouldn’t shut up about the Gaza-West Bank bridge she read about in Vox. Don’t get me wrong, I love diversity. That’s why I made history as the first black woman. Kamala was a fine running mate, but clearly not qualified to lead the country. That’s why I stay fit by challenging all the White House interns to fistfights—male or female, it doesn’t matter. You need me in that ring, folks, because if someone happens to me, we’re all screwed.
Anyway, let’s not lose sight of the big picture. This peace deal is an important victory for all Americans—except Barack and Kamala. Also, Ben Rhodes, whom I keep getting mixed up with Ayanna Pressley, the congresswoman. Maybe it’s because they’re both bald and love terrorists. It’s a defeat for everyone who questioned my decision to run for reelection, and it’s only the beginning. As I outlined in my second inaugural address, which due to safety concerns was held at the Tranquil Oaks Memory Care Facility in Rehoboth Beach, my second-term agenda is teeming with meat and girth. By the time my work here is done, we will have ended Medicare once and for all.
God bless the troops.
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