There’s been a lot of chatter on the social networking platforms about what it means to be American. Some argue that all you need is a large gun, a pair of balls, and a healthy lust for Lady Liberty. Others insist that “heritage Americans”—folks who can trace their bloodlines back to the Founding—are better than the rest.
I don’t really care. I just want to get drunk at Chili’s, watch football, hit on waitresses, and pray for the soldiers who slaughter our enemies. I wish everyone involved would put their phones down and follow suit. That’s my advice, and if you don’t think I’m qualified enough to have an opinion, allow me to whip out my credentials. As you’ll see, I am the quintessential “heritage American,” and if you jokers don’t like what I have to say, here’s another piece of advice: Go back to the shithole continent (Europe) from whence you came.
Biff Diddle—Proof of Heritage
• 793rd great-grandfather crossed the Bering Land Bridge into modern-day Alaska while stalking a Smilodon.
• 18th great-grandfather fled the Santa María after leading a botched mutiny that caused the ship to run aground in Hispaniola, paddled 600 miles in a stolen Arawak canoe before arriving in modern-day Miami, where he invented the strip club. Eaten by alligators.
• 12th great-grandfather served aboard the Mayflower as a junior bilge attendant, impregnated several passengers during the voyage before succumbing to scurvy.
• 11th great-grandfather collaborated with early English colonists to decimate the surrounding Indian tribes, including his own. Murdered by Indians.
• 10th great-grandfather presided over one of the first known witch trials in America.
• 9th great-grandfather owned white slaves, accidentally discovered coal, died from coal ingestion.
• 8th great-grandfather escaped white slavery, founded a successful cockfighting ring.
• 7th great-grandfather identified as patient zero in a syphilis epidemic that wreaked havoc on the British officer corps, degrading their effectiveness in battle during the Revolutionary War.
• 6th great-grandfather accidentally poisoned all the horses in his village while pretending to practice veterinary science, traveled south to start a quasi-religious sex cult that eventually incorporated itself into what is now Spirit Halloween.
• 5th great-grandfather abandoned his Confederate battalion and made a fortune supplying General Sherman’s troops with prostitutes on their March to the Sea. Lost it all on railroad speculation in 1873.
• 4th great-grandfather fled to London after his expulsion from Harvard Medical School for seducing the dean’s wife and daughter, committed a series of infamous murders in the Whitechapel district before returning to fight in the Spanish-American War.
• 3rd great-grandfather coined the phrase “and all that jazz.”
• 2nd great-grandfather made history as the first American to be charged with vehicular homicide after running down an obnoxious cyclist.
• Great-grandfather made history as the first American to die from alcohol poisoning during Prohibition.
• Grandfather fled Imperial Japan to warn the United States about the impending attack on Pearl Harbor, only to be ignored by Roosevelt aides who wanted to exploit the attack to launch a war of aggression against Germany. During the war, he served as a guard and translator at the Manzanar internment camp for Japanese civilians.
• Father bludgeoned hippies at the Democratic National Convention in 1969.
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