Trump conquers the Vatican.
Biden speaks, removes all doubt.
Progressive participation trophies.
Hot ballerina in the White House.
It’s Friday, May 9, 2025
Finally, an American pope. This never would have happened on Joe Biden’s watch. Pope Francis, who was not American, died last month a few hours after meeting Vice President J.D. Vance. On Thursday, the American cardinal Robert Francis Prevost of Chicago was elected Pope Leo XIV. “I was watching it and they said he’s from America,” Trump told reporters. “I said, ‘That’s great.'” The pope responded on X: “Thanks! Thanks! Thanks!”
Trump’s remarkable list of second-term accomplishments continues to grow. It’s a reminder of just how bleak things were under Biden. The pope was foreign, and it was effectively illegal to say “Merry Christmas” in public. Joy Reid and Jim Acosta were polluting the airwaves. Liberal parents across the country kept buying their children cheap dolls from China to enrich their communist comrades. The first lady was also the president. It’s been less than four months since Trump took office. We now have an American pope, we’ve legalized “Merry Christmas” (again), Reid and Acosta are filming livestreams in their basements, the doll situation is under control, and the president is also the first lady, which is a lot less terrifying.
“At the White House this time around, Mr. Trump has taken to performing some duties that typically would fall to a first lady,” the New York Times reports. “She’s not the one carefully selecting light fixtures for the White House residence, redesigning the Rose Garden, greeting tour groups in the East Wing or hosting receptions for Women’s History Month. He is.”
Biden couldn’t even do the job of first lady. He didn’t have the cognitive capacity, physical stamina, or exquisite taste, but Trump has more than enough to handle both jobs while achieving tremendous results. Some have argued Barack Obama was our “first gay president.” And while it’s true that he was bad at sports, loved hanging out with Anna Wintour, and privately fantasized about “making love to men,” he outsourced the interior decorating and women’s receptions to Michelle like a total hetero. Trump is much gayer than Obama, his wife is way hotter, and he’s a far more successful and multi-talented president. We are truly blessed.
Wheeling out the geezer: Joe Biden refuses to go away, even though Democrats want nothing to do with him. Last month, he gave a rambling speech denouncing “roughly 30 percent” of Americans for having “no heart.” He droned on for several minutes about watching the “colored kids on a bus going by” after moving to Delaware “when coal died” and how it inspired him to go into politics. Biden sat for two softball interviews this week—with the BBC and The View—ostensibly in an effort to rebut the extensive reports of his cognitive decline and the Democratic Party’s efforts to conceal it so they wouldn’t be stuck with Kamala Harris, a relentless incompetent. The results of this PR campaign—apparently orchestrated by the same press flack who helped cover up Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin’s mysterious health-related leave of absence—bring to mind the old adage about how it’s “better to stay silent and be thought a fool.”
For example, Biden gave his most coherent explanation to date of his decision to run again despite rampant concerns about his age and cognitive health. “What happened was, I had become what we set out to do, no one thought we could do, and become so successful,” he told the BBC. “Our agenda was hard to say, ‘Now I’m going to stop now.’ I meant what I said when I started, that I think it’s—I’m prepared to hand this to the next generation, the transition government. But it—things moved so quickly that it made it difficult to walk away.”
Fact check: Most Americans consider Biden to be our worst living president.
Biden didn’t fare much better on The View. The 82-year-old slurred his way through a series of easy questions about why everyone is so mean to him. He continued to insist he would have won, and said he “wasn’t surprised” that Harris lost—due to racism and misogyny. “They went the route of, uh, the sexist route, all, the whole route,” he said. “I mean, ‘this is a woman, she’s this, she’s that,’ uh, I mean, it really, I’ve never seen quite, uh, as successful and a consistent campaign undercutting the notion that a woman couldn’t lead the country, and a woman of mixed race. And, uh, they, they, they played that to, uh, fairly well.”
Dr. Jill Biden joined halfway through to help translate some of Biden’s answers into English (she has a doctoral degree). “We went to work and we got it done, and, uh, you know, one of the things that, uh, that, well, I’m talking too long,” the former president said of the recently published books about his cognitive decline. “The point of the matter is that I would, I would offer specific evidence, if we had time, [of] exactly what I got done when I was, supposedly, lost my cognitive capability.” Jill jumped in to explain what the hell he was talking about. “The people who wrote those books were not in the White House with us, and they didn’t see how Joe worked every single day,” she said while her husband dozed off. “I mean, he’d get up, he’d put in a full day.”
Joe Biden concluded the interview with some pope-related thoughts on American resilience. “We have to remember who the hell we are,” he said. “And by the way, the [deceased foreign] pope wondered who we were. Not a joke … I think he trusted me.”
Bottom line: This elder abuse is heartbreaking and must be stopped. Let him die in peace!
Progressive participation trophies: That’s what the Pulitzer Prizes have become, and the winners announced this week confirm that our nation’s journalists are a bunch of left-wing activists who love to congratulate themselves for advancing a political agenda. ProPublica won for deceptive reporting on red-state abortion laws, which some doctors have blamed for the deaths of their patients. The Wall Street Journal won for its daring coverage of Joe Biden’s cognitive decline. Just kidding. They won for reporting that Elon Musk takes drugs. Mosab Abu Toha, a “Palestinian poet” and former Harvard fellow, won the prize for commentary. The Pulitzer board, which includes several high-ranking officials at Columbia University, adored his essays on the “physical and emotional carnage in Gaza.” In an interview with NPR last year, Abu Toha said media outlets should “stop talking about Hamas” because Israel was to blame for the Oct. 7 attack and the “genocide” that followed.
The fiction prize went to an “accomplished reconsideration” of Huckleberry Finn from the perspective of Jim the slave, who has “extended internal dialogues with Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Voltaire and John Locke, sometimes about slavery.” In awarding the history prize, the board couldn’t decide whether black slaves were more oppressed than Native Americans, so there were two winners this year. One was a “richly textured and revelatory account of a slave rebellion,” while the other a “magisterial overview of a thousand years of Native American history ‘inspired and informed’ by Native scholars, artists, and activists.” Susie Ibarra won the music prize for Sky Islands, her “musical call to action, calling awareness to dwindling biodiversity, changing climate and global community practices.” She managed to beat out Jim is Still Crowing, a “challenging and meaningful work” by Jalalu-Kalvert Nelson that uses a “variety of techniques and textures to convey the ongoing battle against second-class citizenship for Black and Brown people and their struggle for acceptance.”
Read more: Pulitzer Prize Board Affirms Media’s Obsession With Woke Politics
Related: Journalist May Run for Congress (as a Democrat, Obviously)
Le Canada c’est de la merde: The pretentiously named Royal Canadian Mounted Police gave a press conference this week to provide an update on a missing persons investigation involving two child siblings who disappeared last week in some place called “Nova Scotia.” The public information officer began the briefing with a land acknowledgment, of course. “First, I acknowledge that we are in Mi’kma’ki, the traditional and unceded ancestral territory of the Mi’kmaq people,” she apologized. “I also recognize that African Nova Scotians are a distinct people whose histories, legacies, and contributions have enriched that part of Mi’kma’ki known as Nova Scotia for over four hundred years.” Worst of all, she proceeded to translate that entire heap of groveling nonsense into French. Trump’s worst idea, perhaps his only bad one, is wanting to bail out Canada, a shithole country (pays de merde), by making it part of the United States. No thanks!
Exclusive analysis: Kamala’s Stepdaughter, ‘Textile Artist’ Ella Emhoff, Skips Leg Day as Often as She Shaves Her Armpits (Never)
This week in higher education: Haverford President Needs Giant Notecards To Remind Her Killing Jews Is Bad
Poll of the week: Shut the f— up, Germany. Apparently most Europeans—especially the Germans—don’t think it was “morally justified” to end World War II by dropping A-bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The numbers regarding the allied bombings of Nazi Germany are slightly more reasonable, but still. FAFO!
Photo of the week: Ksenia Karelina, the smoking hot ballerina Trump freed from Russian prison, visits the Oval Office. “Now I know why you fought so hard to get her out of jail,” the president told her husband.
Flashback: Trump Frees Hot Ballerina After Winning Trade War, Making Showers Great Again (PHOTOS)
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