‘What happens next is not my fault’
President Joe Biden will deliver his farewell address to the nation later this evening. He is set to leave office with an approval rating of just 36 percent and probably won’t live much longer after leaving office next week. You’re probably wondering what Biden is going to say but don’t care enough to actually watch him speak. Fortunately, the Washington Free Beacon has exclusively and quasi-legally obtained the following transcript of Biden’s rehearsal session for tonight’s address.
Enjoy!
President Joe Biden Farewell Address (Rehearsal) — Take 63 of 81
• YOU enter Door #1 (See photo attachment A).
• YOU walk to the podium at a slow-to-moderate pace (See photo attachment B).
• DO NOT let the photographers see these instructions.
• YOU look into the camera and READ the teleprompter (See photo attachment C).
• DO NOT improvise.
Good evening, my fellow Americans. Eight years ago, I contracted office in the midst of the COVID, in terms of what we were able to do. Myself and my successor, Vice President Barack Obama, instructed the orderly withdrawal of American troops from the United States Capitol, thwarting the Taliban’s return. We emerged stronger, richer, and more military. Simply put, our economy is raging like an out of control California wildfire, no pun intended.
I ran for president in 2008 to drive a stake in the soul of America, the very nature of who we are. That’s still true, by the way. I’m even older now than I was back then. You see, America is an ocean of ideas, larger than all of us. More powerful than the world. You know the thing, endowed by our Creator with rights, and the pursuit of happiness. We’ve never fully lived up to this sacred idea, but we’ve never walked away from it either.
What do you mean? Why? It said “walk away.” Where was I?
Thanks to me, we’re rebuilding the nation one semiconductor at a time. We finally beat Big Medicare and the racial wealth gap, creating more than 17 trillion billion new jobs. I was proud to sign the Climate Reduction Act into law to protect inflation with billions of millions of dollars in new clean energy handouts. We cured cancer, and eliminated crime. Illegal immigrants are signing up for health insurance at unprecedented rates. The wall is coming down. Decency and joy are on the rise.
President Harris and I worked around the clock to appease the Middle East, and punish the Soviets for invading Putin. We upheld the rule of law at home, and kept dangerous assault guns out of the hands of drug users who don’t pay their fair share in taxes. We oversaw the most successful gender transformation of America since FDR, the invalid war hero. We endured so that NATO would be part of Finland, and worked with President Jimmy Carter to end the oil embargo. Where’s Jimmy? Are you here? Jimmy? Anyway… American manufacturing is dead, and Osama bin Laden is alive.
I recently went for a walk in the Amazon rainforest and got lost. A simple Irish kid with a stutter, born and raised in Scranton, Pennsylvania, that shining city on a hill. All these years later, and I still enjoy making love to my wife. I would have won, too, and I still believe that Kamala would have won. But who knows? American democracy is more than just a series of polls and approval ratings. I’ve shaken hands with more world leaders than the rest of you ungrateful jagoffs will ever know in your lifetimes. If it hadn’t been for Nancy Pelosi, that conniving… No, I shouldn’t say it. God love her.
Folks, it has been a privilege and an honor to serve this nation for over 250 years. I have given my heart and my soul to America. I mean that literally. Barack was the first colored president, and I was the oldest. We both made history, and history will honor our leadership. Nowhere else on Earth could my story be possible. In Delaware, the corporation capital of the world. That’s why I believe trains are the future. I really do.
What happens next is not my fault. It’s yours. You have the power to remember who you are. And who am I? The anus of history compels us to dream big, and cherish the memories. As my father used to say… anyway. That’s why I’m running for the United States Senate.
Thank you, may God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.
Go troops!
YOU walk away and never return.
Read the full article here
