Steel, not snowflakes: Real grit means mastering your emotions

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America has always prized strength. From our soldiers and athletes to our business leaders and parents, we admire people who can keep their cool when life turns up the heat. But here’s a truth we don’t talk about enough: strength isn’t the absence of emotion: It’s the ability to master it.

For too long, we’ve equated toughness with never showing feelings. But holding down emotions doesn’t make us strong — it makes us brittle. True grit means knowing how to harness emotions, such as anger, fear and sadness, so that they fuel perseverance rather than sabotage it.

Real strength is control under fire

Research shows that emotions are not a choice — they’re built into the human brain and body. Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp demonstrated that “core emotions” like anger and fear are hardwired survival responses. They help us avert danger and assert ourselves wisely. At UCLA, psychologist Matthew Lieberman’s research found that naming emotions plays a role in emotional regulation. This small act calms the brain’s threat response, which strengthens self-control.

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According to these researchers, emotional mastery isn’t about suppressing feelings; it’s about using them strategically. It’s this skill set that makes good pilots steady, leaders decisive and fathers patient.

Take Richard, for example, a 45-year-old man who came to therapy for depression. Beaten as a child, Richard had burning rage toward his father for the abuse he endured. Without someone to help him name and work through his justified anger, Richard expressed his fury in actions. He bullied other kids; it was the only way he knew how to let off steam.

Another former patient, Ben, got into trouble at work and took his emotions out on his kids. He yelled at them and criticized their mistakes. Underneath his anger, Ben felt a deep sadness and fear, but his parents never taught him how to work through these emotions, so they came out sideways.

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Both Ben and Richard had learned messages that made them push away their emotions, instead of dealing with them directly. As a result, they had less self-control, not more.

Perseverance is emotional grit

Every American success story is powered by perseverance. And not one of us can persevere without emotional grit.

The Harvard Adult Development Study — the longest-running study of human thriving — found that people who flourish don’t avoid their feelings. Rather, they know how to regulate them and stay connected under stress.

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Discouragement, frustration and fear are what make people quit. Grit means knowing how to face those feelings, manage them and keep going. Emotional skills are the backbone of perseverance.

The Change Triangle: A map for mastery

While emotional intelligence helps us thrive in every domain of life, society doesn’t equip us with education in emotions. I teach a tool called the Change Triangle, a simple map for working with emotions. It shows us how to move from being hijacked by anxiety, shame or rage back toward strength, clarity and calm.

When irritability rises, the Change Triangle helps us ask: What’s underneath? Fear? Sadness? Frustration? Once identified, we can troubleshoot these emotions by working through them, which empowers us to respond with strategy instead of freak-outs.

Every American success story is powered by perseverance. And not one of us can persevere without emotional grit.

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It’s a playbook for life — one that transforms raw emotion into disciplined action.

Fueling the American Dream

The American Dream has never been about ease. It’s about building something great despite obstacles. Emotional mastery is the hidden fuel that helps us achieve our dreams.

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It keeps the business owner pushing through tough quarters.

It helps the father guide his children without losing his cool.

It gives young men the steadiness to build reputations on reliability, not volatility.

Despite what many of us were brought up to believe, emotions aren’t for saps, group hugs or therapy-goers; they’re about training the mind the same way we train the body. Just as we lift weights to build muscle, we can work the Change Triangle to bolster our emotional know-how.