In a move that shocked no one, California has pursued its aggressive anti-consumer vehicle agenda by banning the Hyundai Elantra. The Elantra is the most stolen vehicle in the United States. In an effort to combat vehicle theft and vehicles used in crime, the California government decided the best step would be to ban this specific make and model, declaring it a win for public safety.
Oh California, You So Crazy
Effective immediately, no new Hyundai Elantras may be sold within state lines. Furthermore, current Elantra owners will be required to register their vehicles with the Department of Motor Vehicles as “Assault Sedans” or face felony charges. The California government believes that anyone intent on using Elantras in crime, or anyone who has stolen one, will promptly register the vehicles and prevent further crimes.
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“For too long, the Hyundai Elantra has bypassed our common-sense safety laws,” said State Senator F. Fakeman. “It is a compact commuter vehicle. It fits into standard compact parking spaces. The Elantra has a high-capacity gas tank capable of holding up to 14 gallons, allowing a driver to inflict hundreds of miles of continuous transit without a single background check or cooling-off period.”
The War On Elantra
The government cited recent illegal modifications to Elantra vehicles to make them faster by replacing the gas engine with a nuclear fission engine. The nuclear fission engine is banned from possession under the 1986 Hughes Amendment, which makes any nuclear fission engine produced after 1986 illegal outside of specially licensed occupations.
Illegal modification of Hyundai Elantras with nuclear fission engines has been federally banned for decades, but it has not stopped criminals from doing so. The state of California also has state laws pertaining to nuclear fission engines. Officials expressed confusion about why criminalizing nuclear fission engines has not, in fact, stopped criminals from producing them.
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Banning them within the State of California will assuredly prevent criminals from using them in crimes. The California Governor stated that this is a common-sense vehicle control effort and that it will not affect law-abiding car owners.
Alongside the Hyundai Elantra ban, the State of California has created a roster of safe vehicles.
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The Safe Vehicle Roster
The newly established Safe Vehicle Roster establishes a system in which California will permit vehicles to enter the state. This new roster will prohibit any vehicles from being sold within California unless they possess the following features.
- Loaded Cabin Indicator – A giant neon sign that states when the cabin has an occupant.
- Hydration Disconnect feature – If the car detects an empty cup holder, the vehicle will not start.
- Gas Tank Regulations- Any gas tank that holds more than 10 gallons of gas is hereby banned.
The most controversial new required feature is the Micro-Stamping exhaust system. This exhaust system stamps the car’s VIN on asphalt every three feet. According to car enthusiasts, dealers, manufacturers, and common sense, this is dumb.
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We asked a California car dealer for his opinion, and he was quick to say, “This is stupid; that technology doesn’t exist. This law will prevent cars with modern safety features from being sold in the state.”
These new laws will not impact law enforcement. In fact, that same dealer said, “Selling new vehicles in the state will be impossible, unless a cop buys them, and resells them. This is going to create a huge aftermarket markup for the average car enthusiast.”
California Versus The Car Market
These new laws have come under fire from critics in the National Elantra Association. The Elantra Owners of America have already filed a suit and sought a preliminary injunction. This is a developing story, so stay tuned to see how the war on Elantras plays out.
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Editor’s Note: If you need Travis or myself to explain the satirical metaphor here… I encourage you to read more satire.
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