Mamdani, journalists will never love this country as much as a Swedish babe tasting ranch dressing for the first time
Warning: This articles contains graphic soccer-related language and imagery that most Americans should find offensive and upsetting. Please consider the nature of the material before proceeding.
Communism arrived in America on Friday as the United States hosted its first World Cup soccer match since 1994. The semi-renowned international tournament’s return to American soil cast a pall over an otherwise joyful weekend that saw President Donald Trump celebrate his 80th birthday at a UFC cage match on the White House lawn.
Soccer is excruciatingly boring, so we would never actually watch any of the games. Washington Free Beacon employees are also prohibited from supporting the World Cup due to ethical and patriotic concerns. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give our readers the hard-hitting sports analysis they crave.
Here are five things we learned watching the World Cup, and by “watching” we just mean vaguely passively absorbing the onslaught of social media content.
1) Zohran Mamdani still hates America
For most left-wing fanatics who despise this country, cheering for the U.S. soccer team is the only acceptable form of patriotism. Mamdani, a confirmed soccer fan, watched Brazil play Morocco on Saturday alongside Democratic governors Kathy Hochul of New York and Mikie Sherrill of New Jersey, but refused to display an ounce of national pride.
Hochul wore a red, white, and blue ensemble. Sherrill wore a Team USA soccer jersey. Mamdani wore a bespoke blue and orange New York City jersey because he abhors all forms of American patriotism.
2) Journalists do too, obviously
Salon, a left-wing blog that still exists, apparently, published a philosophy professor’s op-ed aimed at Americans who “feel guilty” about rooting for the U.S. team in the World Cup, as well as those who “feel compelled to root against them” because Trump is president. It goes without saying that if you’re the sort of person who feels conflicted about rooting for America, then sports probably aren’t for you.
Meanwhile, on CNN, a USA Today sports columnist marveled at how Freddy from Germany and other international soccer fans are really enjoying their time in America despite the fact that Trump is president and some of the games are being played in (gasp!) Southern states.
“I saw some conversation about how the rest of the world is looking at the United States and feeling that we are—it’s a foreboding image—and that we are inhospitable,” Christine Brennan said. “How wonderful that sports can bring people here and show people that the United States and, you know, the South is welcoming a German tourist in a way we would never have anticipated.”
Thanks for the insightful analysis, but who is “we,” exactly?
Brennan recently praised her fellow journalists for using the word “men’s” when referring to the U.S. soccer team playing in the men’s World Cup. She called it a “fitting sign of respect for the success and importance” of the U.S. women’s team, which suffered a humiliating early loss to Sweden at the 2023 (women’s) World Cup.
3) Democrats are insufferable
The California Democratic Party wrote on its official X account: “You’re not allowed to watch the World Cup if you’ve ever spoken out against DEI.” Fine, those terms are acceptable, but it’s still obnoxious. Democrats clearly don’t care about actual sports and only pretend to like soccer because it’s international and the gameplay resembles bureaucratic sclerosis.
Professional sports—and sport-like activities such as soccer—are not exactly bastions of diversity, equity, and inclusion. You’re either good enough, or you aren’t. Woke libs love DEI so much they want more men playing women’s sports. They would probably love to see a world where professional (male) athletes are forced to cede playing time to burqa-wearing amputees, wheelchair-bound Hasidic Jews, and morbidly obese nerds. But no one else would feel good about watching.
4) Donald Trump should be impeached
Amid the soccer nonsense, anti-American agitators have resurfaced an old clip of Trump speaking at a World Cup event back in December. “This is football, there’s no question about it,” he said of soccer, which isn’t football. “We have to come up with another name for the NFL stuff.” (No, we do not.)
It was and remains an impeachable offense—if Congress has the courage to act.
5) Hot Swedish girls love America
Europeans are falling in love with the United States, and why wouldn’t they? Air conditioning. Free refills. Ice. Waffle House. Pure joy. Most Europeans have never experienced these everyday aspects of American life.
One of these World Cup tourists is a Swedish woman named Elsa. She recently reported having an “out of body experience” at Golden Corral, and documented her first ever encounter with ranch dressing and bacon-wrapped tater tots. “I kinda understand why a lot of Americans never leave the country, like why would you?” she wrote. “It has everything.”
Maybe she’s just trolling for clicks. Who cares? It’s still sad, but not surprising, that a random Swedish babe can appreciate—or at least pretend to appreciate—this country’s greatness but the New York City mayor cannot.
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