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Much like the workplace term that means doing the bare minimum, “quiet quitting” could also happen in marriage, sometimes gradually.
The informal term, which is not a clinical diagnosis, refers to spouses who remain together while reducing their emotional effort, communication or involvement in the relationship, according to experts.
New York City divorce lawyer James Sexton described what “quiet quitting” can look like at home and at work.
“I’m not going to go through the dramatic gesture of ending this thing,” Sexton said. “I’m just going to stop. I’m going to stop paying attention. I’m going to stop participating.”
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Silently pulling away from the relationship may seem to be easier than going through the “trauma” of divorce, Sexton told Fox News Digital, and the person avoids looking like the “bad guy” for ending the relationship.
“Very often, you actually receive more sympathy because you’re perceived as the victim of the breakup as opposed to the perpetrator,” he added.
A lack of effort in a relationship can be a bigger warning sign than frequent conflict, according to Sexton.
“When people are fighting, it kind of means there’s still skin in the game,” he said. “The opposite of love is not hate … it’s indifference.”
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Dr. Mindy DeSeta, a clinical sexologist and licensed mental health counselor in Miami, said some couples seek help after about 30 years of marriage, when the demands of family life have eased.
“The kids are gone, or they’re hitting that retirement age, so they don’t have the life distractions, and they’re realizing, ‘Wow. I actually quiet quit my relationship when my kids were toddlers,’” she told Fox News Digital.
DeSeta identified four relationship principles, including the following:
- Learning how to discuss physical and sexual intimacy
- Focusing on teamwork
- Staying autonomous
- “Learning and earning” your partner through constant dating
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Couples experiencing quiet quitting may continue to function well as a team, managing the household and other responsibilities while becoming emotionally disconnected.
DeSeta said this disconnection can develop gradually as spouses begin living increasingly separate lives.
“When you stop spending the evenings together … you each are kind of doing your own thing. Your shows are different. You’re going to bed at different times. … You may have different friend groups. You’re working out at different times,” she said.
4 tips to turn it around
Both experts shared tips for addressing emotional disconnection between romantic partners.
No. 1: Make small (and free) gestures
Reconnection often requires small, active steps that restart the momentum, rather than making grand gestures, Sexton suggested.
“Every single person in your life is not permanently gifted to you. They’re loaned.”
The divorce lawyer encouraged revisiting the simple acts and gestures that both partners enjoyed early in the relationship.
His suggestions included sending sweet “good morning” texts, writing a note complimenting a partner or sharing a song that sparked a romantic memory.
“It costs nothing, takes 30 seconds to do it,” he said. “What does it cost to write an email with a list of 10 things I like about you? These are not only things we welcome receiving under any circumstances, but they’re actually reminders.”
No. 2: Be intentional about spending quality time
Oftentimes, quiet quitting looks like zoning out during moments of quality time, DeSeta said.
If one partner scrolls on a phone while watching a movie together, the device can become “the third member of the relationship,” signaling where that partner’s attention lies, the expert cautioned.
“When you’re on your phone, you’re actually saying, ‘I’m choosing to do this versus spending quality time with you,'” she added.
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In addition to paying attention during one-on-one activities, the act of asking personal questions — as simple as “how was your day?” — can also help to restore a connection, DeSeta said.
No. 3: Communicate positively
Instead of leading with a complaint about the relationship, Sexton suggested using a positive approach.
For example, instead of saying, “We never spend time with each other anymore,” try calling back a positive memory and suggest recreating it.
“Focusing on what we need to work on is harder than focusing on what it is that we really like about this person, what drew us to them to begin with,” he said. “Chances are, they might feel far away from who they were at the beginning of the relationship.
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“And maybe our job in a relationship is to try to remind each other of the ‘you’ and the ‘me’ before we became the ‘we.'”
No. 4: Flirt and date each other
Making an active effort to flirt with a partner can boost your mood while signaling continued romantic interest, according to DeSeta.
“Let your partner know that you are there to earn them every day,” she said, emphasizing the importance of continuing to learn about and pursue a partner throughout the relationship.
“Let them know in the most subtle ways every single day that you care about them, that you’re thinking about them. And if you do that, you kind of break this cycle of the quiet quitting, and, eventually, it starts coming back to you.”
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Sexton reminded couples that their time together is limited, so illness or tragedy should not be the catalyst for renewed effort.
“Every single person in your life is not permanently gifted to you. They’re loaned,” he said. “There’s a finite number of times that you’re going to be with this person, see this person, tell this person that you love them.”
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